“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33
There isn’t much that makes me feel raw and vulnerable. Some things do, don’t get me wrong, and I’m protective of those things - I think it’s important to have discernment when letting your guard down. But if you know me, you know I will talk. I’ll talk about things that are taboo, stigmatized, and regarded with disgust or distrust. Things that make me or others uncomfortable. I’ve talked about past abuse, my history with an eating disorder, struggles with feminine health, etc. But when I’m smack dab in the middle of walking through the darkness, especially with my history as a Christian - as a leader - it makes me uncomfortable to admit that I’m floundering. But I very well know that everything is a season.
This makes me uncomfortable because I don't have the answers. I don’t know what the future holds or how I will react to it. I’ve become temperamental and hot-headed, things I’m trying to rectify. Something has to change – I have to change.
Now back to that Bible verse – sort of.
I’ve prayed for healing for two decades. And I’ve received some measure of it - of relief - in that time. But overall, it’s led me down a spiral of anger and frustration. I’ve begged, pleaded, worshipped, thanked, sought, prayed, sang, etc, etc, etc…and wound up angry. Has he brought me through all of it? Yes. Has He remained faithful to me, even when I railed against my circumstances with all I had? Yes. He never promised our lives here on the earth would be easy. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. (John 16:33)
Why am I telling you this? Because I still want to come back next week, or in six months, or next year, or the year after, or whenever...and tell you He did it. He took me from rock bottom and made it better. But one thing I’ve been wondering is: what does better look like?
I think it looks like healing. That’s my better. And I KNOW God heals people; in fact, this belief in His power and ability is what’s been so frustrating to me when I don’t think it’s manifested in my life the way that I want. But I think what better really looks like is getting my flame back. Repenting from my anger. Seeking restoration. A closer relationship with Him. I spent so much time feeding my anger that it became nearly overwhelming to me. I know He is still good. I know His reasons can only be good. And the one thing that will get me through this life and into the next is my relationship with Him.
So here I am, repenting of my anger, my frustration, and my resentment. My need for things to get better before my mind gets better. To say that He is what I want above all else. To say that I’m taking back what I’ve let slip through my hands in my obsessive pursuit of what I thought was best. To seek first His kingdom.
I’ll leave you with some of the lyrics to my favorite song of all time. (Fun fact, it’s featured in the very first book I wrote - a story featuring an angry, independent, demoralized young woman who finds God’s goodness despite her resistance). It has long been my go-to when things get dark, as it so well embodies the necessity of keeping an eternal mindset in this temporal world. Whether the sun is shining or dark clouds loom overhead, it all fades in the glory of His majesty. To be eternally minded is to understand that we are here to prepare ourselves and others for the next life.
O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
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